Conference Week

Wrapping my head around sitting in a conference in the States for a whole week has been hard for me. To be honest I have often found myself making mental notes about different things I have been wondering about like is Etrinne coming to classes, did she find a place to live, is Suzy taking her HIV meds, did Vadette find a place to rent, is Sarah's tooth and blood pressure OK and wanting to check-in with the Deli Mart lady and give her cookies?

I drift back into the conference and take in some of the teaching. It's good and seems to be confirming some things deep with in me that I haven't had time to think about for a long time. I find it odd that the people I enjoyed watching on the first day as everyone found their places just happen to be the people who live and minister in Uganda from here. I think something has switched over in my brain that finds people from different countries so interesting and I am drawn to them. I have learned this calling is part of me and no matter if I am in Haiti, Africa, Guyana or the States it is just the way I think. It is who I am and I am not going to suddenly not have it one day if I am not "doing" something. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it can drive me crazy and to be a bit radical in my thinking. It is hard for me to have a casual conversation about "stuff", cause 90% of the time I am not thinking about "stuff".

Pretty soon I am thinking about the fabric that Marjoire needs for the inside of bags and wondering if she will be able to get bags out to the Moseley's for the website with the new team in from Texas.

I think about the fact that the ministry we are sitting under this week will give you any teaching you want for free if you can't afford it and they didn't charge over 800 people anything to come to the conference. The bottom line is they believe everyone should hear the gospel and the money will come in if they are obedient. It isn't some pie in the sky idea they have the numbers to prove it and every part of their ministry is expanding. I love that they teach grace. Not the kind of grace that keeps people sick and unhealthy because they aren't willing to confront, but the kind of grace that teaches who you are in Christ. Once you know the love of Jesus you will be changed to the core and that even a little bit of the law will kill grace and it is the goodness of God that draws us to him. They teach once you know who you are and who Jesus is you will really never be the same because the greatest gift He gave you is when you got saved. You didn't deserve any "gift" so why would you have to earn relationship with him after you are saved.

Yet the whole idea of a conference is still bugging me. I am thinking that no one comes to Haiti to do a conference and teach this stuff. You never hear about big names coming to Haiti for a week to pour into Haiti and I have to wonder why? If the people of Haiti could think of themselves as "sons" vs "slaves" like Paul talks about in Galatians, Haiti would never be the same. I am still thinking about the words the minister said to Dan on the very first day of the conference.
You live in Haiti? Do you like it?
The last time I sent someone to Haiti, the day they got back they asked me if I hated them?
No, he replied. Why?
Because Haiti is the closest place to hell on earth.
We laughed, but now it wasn't funny.
I was sad for Haiti and the ladies that I love.

I am thinking about how freely we talk about knowing who we are in Christ, knowing that everything we need is already inside of us. I am thinking about really, really knowing that Jesus loves us and when we know this we are forever changed and yet most Haitians won't take communion because they believe they are not good enough or sinful.

I wore my favorite AIDS t-shirt to the conference one day. Maybe I was secretly testing to see if one person, just one, would ask me about HIV. If someone asked me what I was thinking about the conference I am sure I would have broke out in hives trying to think of something to say, but I did want to talk about how wrong it is that women who struggle for find food for the day and a place to lay their head at night, now carry a secret with them on a crowded tap-tap, sitting for what could be the entire day to get a hand full of vitamins and hopefully the HIV meds they need with out another day spent on the tap-tap only for the doctor to not show up.

I reminded myself that just because I live and breath this stuff doesn't mean everyone does and they are really good people who love Jesus. I was happy that this ministry works in so many nations of the world and had a passion for it. I was deeply touched when the minister said he didn't agree with the way missionaries had to got out and raise funds all summer long when they should be resting and spending time with their family. He said, truthfully, most missionaries don't operate in their anointing here in the States when they do fund raising and if most people saw them operate on the foreign field of their calling vs a fund raising setting they would be shocked at how different they are because that is where God has called them. I couldn't control the tears as we sat in the crowd. Most people had no idea what he was talking about but his word touched me very much. He really understood the place we are at.

The last night of the conference was here and I was glad we had come. I needed to be reminded of so many things. I needed to take a deep breath. I needed to give Haiti and all my ladies back to Jesus so He could take care of them, not me. I needed to give these poor people (and myself) a break, they too came to be filled and I had never walked in their shoes. I would agree with myself that I should find balance and give the grace that had been talked about all week for everyone who didn't eat, breath and sleep the injustice for those who live in a third world.

Grace, Grace and more grace!