Maybe it was one of the sewing ladies.
Without fail I think of it every Thanksgiving.
Millions of eighteen pounders, frozen, free falling to earth.
There are no turkeys' falling from the sky, but on Facebook we take an entire month to post things we are thankful for, we even have books that encourage us to make lists of things we are thankful for. I am not one of those Facebook posting type people. I am not good at lists on paper. Admittedly, I have tons of mental lists.
I got up early on Thursday morning to put the turkey in the oven.
I was determined I was going back to bed.
Try as I may, I was not going back to sleep.
I don't know why I wanted to go back to bed, I love quite mornings.
Getting up, I made coffee, scanned my emails, all of them full of Black Friday deals I should be thankful for. Next I looked at the countless posts on Facebook with kind greetings for this day, Thanksgiving, one of my most favorite days of the year.
This year we would be hosting dinner at our house.
My parents and children all around the table together.
A gift.
As I scanned all of the "thankful" posts.
My heart stopped when I came across one from some ladies I admire who are working as midwives in Haiti. The post read:
"Prayers needed now. 16 year old Kerline (written about many times) is in trouble. Not finding heart-tones. Bedline is 7cm and close to delivering. Please pray for these women and for us".
My heart was back in that place, back in a place of heaviness.
Heaviness for them, for her.
This was Thanksgiving, wasn't this day scared, a day of family, food, friends and celebration.
It stung, my attitude, my selfishness.
Yet, my day with family was wonderful.
Two days of cooking paid off and as a bonus we got a family picture out of the deal.
Christmas cards would be done on time this year.
I tried to dismiss the weight.
The thoughts of what it costs to live out the things we ask God for.
The passions we feel called to.
I wrestled all day.
When all the company had gone, I tried to send messages to my friends.
I hit delete.
I prayed, knowing that it would be in eternity they see this little one living life.
I was praying they could see the fruit of helping one with greater need, having the grace to embrace living outside of their personal needs.
My sleep was filled with Haiti.
I laid in bed waking up early again.
I was thinking about how many people this morning are laying in bed praying for God to use them.
Never knowing what is on the other side, not counting the cost.
Not because they aren't willing, but have no idea.
I was thinking about God.
He is God even when a sixteen year old girl has to deliver a dead baby on Thanksgiving day.
It wasn't sitting well.
I wanted to argue, I guess I was, I just wasn't saying anything out loud.
I had created another list in my head.
I wondered if she thought about turkeys falling from the sky in a better place.
I thought about my friends, their questions for God.
He was after all God.
I thought about how we rush him to use us.
Now knowing, from being on the other side, this was one of the reasons Paul talked about a man named Abraham, "who against hope believed in hope".
Death is no respecter of holiday, family, personal belief or age.
Or our lists for that matter.
How do you recover from the days filled with things that make you questions your core?
Remembering your children and husband will be needing you soon, so will the women who come the very next day in need without regard or understanding for your questions.
Raw, unable to find your voice, the only thing you can do is cling.
Cling to him.
You question, "can this really be my calling"? You have nothing to give.
There is weeping in the cool of the shower, in the silence.
You will feel needy and not want your children to be too far away.
Everything.
Everything is different.
How you see life, yourself, God, what you need, what you want - nothing is left untouched.
You can't go back to life without passion, without cost and you know it.
You asked him to use you, to touch those who are hurting.
You and your life remain changed, but you don't know how, not yet.
As I lay there, I remember years of asking, questioning why, when, how?
Use me Lord.
Feeling like the Lord was going over me with a refiners fire bringing everything to the surface.
Preparing me over and over again for the things bigger than me.
Establishing within me things that would require new faith, building character.
Finding Him.
Always needing Him.
Destroy.
This kind of pain can destroy marriage, family, self, hope, trust.
We are never knowing what is just over the starting line.
Things causing us to draw on faith, the substance of things hoped for, not seen - defiantly, not seen. Not knowing needing something greater than myself would be required just to breathe.
Recovery.
There isn't time.
How do you unpack it, touch it, deal with it.
You can't so you tend to move.
Just moving out of habit, going through the motions, so it would seem.
You do it poorly. Tears and emotions come out side ways know you lost a bit of your heart.
You understand why women stop fighting.
There is yet another mountain, another day and not enough strength for either.
Identity.
Nothing can prepare you for the day when you find nothing left inside to give.
The only thing that remains, the one unchanging thing that you must know better than you know yourself.
Him.
He is God.
He sits on His throne.
Knowing all these things, he took them all on the cross.
Knowing all of this would leave us broken.
He even holds babies that die on Thanksgiving day.
He said, it is finished for a reason.
He wasn't finished, it was.
All the things we don't have the power to change or understand.
The things that leave us with a chip because we don't have answers and feel the injustice.
In His world, it is manna that falls from heaven giving us what we need each day, not turkey.
He knows the journey, he gave us the passion, he intends to use it.
He will wait.
For a few more days crying will come easily, for no reason it seems.
It will take time, the kind of time David talks about when he says, He makes me lay down.
It isn't a surprise that the very next thing he will do is restores my soul.
They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength.
He will make all things new.
For this, I am thankful.
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